Sealed with a Liverpool Kiss

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Sunday, July 04, 2004

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WARNING: DEPRESSION, SADNESS & MISERY IN PROGRESS. Reading the contents below could cause you to be in a depressed mood. Skip the following four entries if you want to avoid being afflicted.

I feel so cheated. Lied to. Used. Stupid. Sad. Miserable. There are so many feelings that i'm feeling right now, and none of them are positive. Or will be positive until i finally get over him. Had a chat with K just now, and this is what i found out:-
me:how come dun have to book in?
K:tmr
K:haha
me:wow so good.. then **y**?
K:**y** in camp now
me:haha so sad.. so u guys met up yest huh..
K:nope
K:we went to church todae
K:and went for movie too
K:heee
me:ohh double date la...
K:hahaha
K:yeaaaa

See, told you that i've got a feeling that nothing would come out of this and that i think he's using me. Read: option C) in the previous entry. Now it's confirmed. I had a sick feeling in my gut about this, and i keep trying, keep lying to myself and telling myself that he's just busy and doesn't have time to contact me. But all i was doing was trying to cover up for him; lying to myself that all would be find. The truth had to smack me right in the face: he was merely using me. Suspect he was going through a bad patch with his girlfriend and i was in his way and thus presented myself a chance to get stabbed in the heart when his faith towards his girlfriend wavered. he never meant those things he said, not in the past, not now.
I feel so fucking stupid to have believed all those things he said. It worked on me like a charm; i was oblivious to the fact that he might be (or WAS) lying to me. I was oblivious of the open wounds he'd opened up in my heart when he came back into my life. And the only reason why he did that was simply to stab me right in the middle of my heart. I shattered into a hundred thousand pieces, and i think they could never be pieced back together ever again. Please, i'm not trying to gain sympathy. I feel that i deserve no sympathy because it was only wishful thinking on my part, stupidity on my part to actually believe him when he'd said those things. Only a fool would have believed him, and i was the fool. The one and only fool who was willing and ready, too ready to believe it. Fuck it. I'm so miserable nobody could understand me. Its this heart wrenching feeling that im suffering from now. I feel that i did no wrong to him. So why is he doing this to me?????
Oh, how i still wish now that it's just a mistake, but no, it's just one big fat lie, thats what it is. And i'm the biggest fool in the world, that's what i am. I try putting up a false front at home in front of my parents, and i try to be happy, not thinking of him (and all the other worries that are associated with his name) when i'm with my friends, but when i'm alone, this is the worst. I dont think anyone has ever seen me like this before. Nor would they want to see me like this. It's just such a black, devastating atmosphere. Someone take me away from the misery in this world...

"Thought that forever it would be
I realize you lie to me
I still hold on
Still dream of days when we were one

You played with my heart
You played with my mind
But i miss you finally
Right from the start
My love made me blind
But i miss you finally"

miserably yours,
me

***********
11:00 PM
***********

The Attention Seeker

WY + Snowy + Poka Neembong Eng + Napoleon
im remaining 19 for life!
Liverpool FC
Singapore
NUS FASS
22nd June
You'll nv walk alone

Totally in love wid`

myself
globe trekking
cocoa dusted almond
white chocolate ice blended
shopping
suppers
Romance novels and chic lit
lychee martinis
zouk
goon

get outta my face if u're..

ugly
act cute
TCMI (totally cannot make it)
after my man

GIMME GIMME GIMME!!

Liverpool jersey
Crumpler bag
Spa treatment
MORE CLOTHES DANG IT!

My bitches and faggies

Goon
Wensu
Winnie
Phyllis
Maril
Gwen
Liane
Beth
Julie
Pauline
Amanda
Joel
Dee
Castor
Javin
Chad
Kwan Shen
Wei Xin
Celest
Lin Feng
Irene
Ruben

Other things to check out

LFC Webbie
Topshop Singapore
Franz Ferdinand
Birkenstock
Beau Monde
Vainpot
XpressFlower
My friends
Love Meridian Day
England Field Trip
Vacation Down South

Credits

my kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder,

all my riches for her smiles when I slept so soft against her...

all my blood for the sweetness of her laughter,

she is the tear that hangs inside my soul forever.

-Jeff Buckley