Sealed with a Liverpool Kiss

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Wednesday, June 30, 2004

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exam period now. totally sucks cause i think i'm gonna fail ALL my papers. ok, this is not helping. i've been plagued by memories- both old and new memories of him. Apparently he texted me on friday at 2am in the morning calling me 'sweetest person' in reply to my forwarded message which i sent to him and another of my friend. I'd sent it without any motives but little did i know that this stupid little message could bring me so much headache, heartache(almost) and jittery nerves that threaten to send me into spasm of happines (arrrrgh he replied!/hes calling me!!!!) or anxiousness (ohmygod ohmygod he didnt reply!!!!!!) and the constant checking of my phone.
Yeah, just like the old days. Oh, i digress. Ok, so he's been saying loads of sweet stuff to me thats supposed to be meant only for his girlfriend. Yeah... you know the usual i-miss-you-do-you-miss-me stuff. Well to be frank it makes me happy to know that he misses me but he's got a girlfriend and it's not right. He went out to meet his friends last saturday after booking out and didn't tell his girlfriend. Or did he? Oh well.. i don't know.
He knows that i still like him (any thick person around can tell you that!!!) and of course i don't deny that i still like him, but i wouldn't readily admit to him yet, in case he's just playing around, in which it is what i think he is doing. He doesn't sound very convincing and although i really want to believe what he's saying, i don't think i can be fully convinced cause he just doesn't give me that impression that he likes me and wants to give up his girlfriend. Oh great- now i sound like a total bitch who came between them. As michael buble (or whoever wrote that song) said, he give's me hot and cold fever but doesn't leave me in cool cool sweat. He only gives me the impression that he's only all talk and no action, really. And this is not something i want. I'm quite sick of having been played around like a fool by him. Dont know if he knows this, but yea.. I'm sick of having such instability in my life.
And i've thought about it (as i did in the past, forever thinking and thinking too much): i put myself in his girlfriend's shoes and its horrible. I mean, of course assuming that he doesn't like her anymore. I see her texting him but to no avail. I see her calling him and he not picking up. I see her finally meeting up with him, and playfully snatching his phone to see who he's texting, only to find that he's texting another girl things like 'i miss ya'. If i were her i'd probably be totally devastated. So yeah, i'ver decided not to text him in reply to this i-miss-you-do-you-miss-me message. Neither would i be part of this scandal-to-be. Okay, in short, i'm attempting NOT to come between them. I don't want to be a bitch. If he doesn't like her anymore then he should just leave her and stop lying to her. And if he was just playing around with me then he should stop this cause it's seriously killing me inside. I trust that he knows what to do.
Sigh... the stupidity and complexity of human feelings- of course i wont deny that i'm smart at doing some things and stupid at others, cause i guess thats what everybody's facing too. I'm a sucker for sweet stuff, by that i mean little gestures or stuff that people say, whether to me or to someone else. I see my friends so in love, doing things that are small in action but big in saying "i love you' and i'd be like 'awwwwwwwww so sweet!' and then i start to think of when that will happen to me, or if it would happen at all. I am, now giving my most wry smile at the thought of this cause just a couple of days ago, i thought it would finally happen to me. But i guess not. I guess his 'like' is not enough to bring us together. Ya know sometimes, when you see a guy doing something really sweet for the girl, like leaving a huge bag of chocolates, a cute soft toy and a little note by her doorstep saying things like 'this bag of goodies is for you to munch when you're hungry. the soft toy is for you to play with when bored in the office. there's a chicken pie in there, remember to eat it while its hot on your way to work okay?', you get all ready to die of sweetness. Obviously the guy came by and left it at the door at like 6.30am cos he wanted the girl to open the door and find it. But the girl just ignores this gesture. I think it's kinda heart wrenching in a way. ohh well... i guess i've said what i came to say. take care guys.

swalk,
me

Mood: confused
Music: wayne wonder- hold me now

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4:12 PM
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