Sealed with a Liverpool Kiss

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Thursday, December 11, 2003

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moving on is hard to do

Sigh~ Its after dinner time, had a quick dinner before coming on over to write something.. Not that im over excited about this new blog, but these few days i've been thinking quite alot. about HIM. Not again, you might say, but yeah, its him. Its always him. Just to set the record straight, but i'm sooo not in love with him. Its just too strong a word. Like, definately but love, nah it just doesnt go well with me. At least not now. Sometimes i think i'm stupid. As in i take the initiative most of the time, its like i dont want him to oblige me most times, but ive got this feeling that he is, infact obliging me in everything that i do.
See, for example, if i dont take the initiative to sms him or say i want to call him, he wont even bother about making the first move. I've tried not smsing him for a couple of days, and it really proves that i'm spot on. But in the end i kinda just cave in and make the first move. Then the cycle continues. Its a kind of torment, and i think you would have to be in my shoes to really understand what's going on. Now i know that i only have less than 5% chance of ever ever ever being successful with him, i don't try not to care and i'm already losing hope. But deep down inside, i know that i dont ever want to stop caring and hoping.
His best friend, also one of my friends, once said "what will be will be, but you must also try". When i first heard this from him, i kind of agreed but now i can only agree with the first half of the sentence cause i tried. I used to tell my friends that if all else fails, it is of some consolation knowing that they've tried but now i truly realise that it isn't an easy job. And what's most ironic about this is that i don't feel consoled even though i've tried. I did all that was within my reach, i grasped what i could but in the end i think this is soooo gonna fail. Not that i'm a pessimist, but it's all too clear to me. After what i just said, it probably sounded like he was the one who hurt me, but the fact was that i hurt myself indirectly cause i made myself so vulnerable to such emotional attacks. It was just plain wishful thinking on my part.
I cant seem to get my mind off him; guess you could say that im addicted to him. I dont know if i should follow the footsteps of some people; to lock up my heart so that a repetition of this whole scene wouldnt happen again, or should i just continue to look for someone else? I think i can really understand why some people choose to harden their heart just to avoid all relationship problems. Sigh~ im not depressed, no matter how depressed i sound. I just want to write down how i feel.
And elaine dear, thanks for responding to my last entry, as much as others will think that you are a loon, i will never do so (im sooooo lying). Okay and back to your response, as much as i try to be grateful that virgo passed my way, i still think of virgo & yearn so much to go back to it, even tho it might have some admin problems, i dont care.
This is where i need loads of advice n comments, so do give them to me. Thanks loads peeps.

Signing out,
C Casillas
Current Mood: pessimistic
Current Music: Daniel Bedingfield- If you're not the one

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12:14 PM
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The Attention Seeker

WY + Snowy + Poka Neembong Eng + Napoleon
im remaining 19 for life!
Liverpool FC
Singapore
NUS FASS
22nd June
You'll nv walk alone

Totally in love wid`

myself
globe trekking
cocoa dusted almond
white chocolate ice blended
shopping
suppers
Romance novels and chic lit
lychee martinis
zouk
goon

get outta my face if u're..

ugly
act cute
TCMI (totally cannot make it)
after my man

GIMME GIMME GIMME!!

Liverpool jersey
Crumpler bag
Spa treatment
MORE CLOTHES DANG IT!

My bitches and faggies

Goon
Wensu
Winnie
Phyllis
Maril
Gwen
Liane
Beth
Julie
Pauline
Amanda
Joel
Dee
Castor
Javin
Chad
Kwan Shen
Wei Xin
Celest
Lin Feng
Irene
Ruben

Other things to check out

LFC Webbie
Topshop Singapore
Franz Ferdinand
Birkenstock
Beau Monde
Vainpot
XpressFlower
My friends
Love Meridian Day
England Field Trip
Vacation Down South

Credits

my kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder,

all my riches for her smiles when I slept so soft against her...

all my blood for the sweetness of her laughter,

she is the tear that hangs inside my soul forever.

-Jeff Buckley