leave me a msg =D `
:: ::
Life. What a word. It's a word that is supposed to have all these great cool meanings. A thing to be treasure. In fact, it is more than a thing. Life should be great, should be cool, treasured, loved, meaningful, valuable and beautiful.
This makes me question my life. Yes, i have all these cool pals, a best friend I love and treasure, an education which i will and must strive for. But, it's not enough. I am not talking about the riches of the world. It doesn't really matter to be to be rich or not, as money can't buy happiness. Neither can it buy me a fulfilling life. What is my life based on? What have i been doing with it. I don't know. I should know shouldn't I? After all, it's my life. Who should know better than myself.
So far, I have not achieved anything that I find I should be proud of. No, I am talig about this noble prize invention that I should have done. I am talking about basic things teenagers should achieve. I definitely don't have my results. I know I probably haven't been putting enough effort for it. So, this is the result I get. Instead of studying, I've been stoning and going out. I've been living my Life on step at a time, with this "don't care" attitude. I don't have a social life. JC is actually somewhere that teenagers tend to have a social life. I mean, yah I got a clique I hang out with, my faithful pal Liz and Sam, and of course I treasure them. And that's all. It seems my good/kinda close friends just evolve around 2 people. Sure enough i have other friends. My classmates, and OG mates, and secondary school mates and other mates in JC. However, they aren't my close mates. It's the hi-bye situation I find myself in. It's actually a problem that I know about, niggering in my heart, which i don't take into consideration due to the "don't care" attitude. What I guess i am looking for are candidates who are able to have a heart to heart talk with me. More friends who are able to connect to my soul and vice versa. I guess, in school I am viewed as a clown. I seriously don't mind making a fool out of myself to make people smile and laugh.
However, this alway cheerful and bubbly nature is a facade. There is more to me than 'that smiling girl.' I know I am not taken seriously, dued to my laid back character. I guess I've been building up the image of this smiling, bear-loving, schizophrenic, who has nothing much to say in class, slacking at one corner, hanging around contently among this clique. True that I have nothing much to say in class. I admit i am not well-read. I sure don't know about philosphy/philosophers, current affairs(politics), mythology, handphones, computer, and even 'what's happening around'. True that i am a slacker and need constant motivation. True that I love my bear and may seem psychotic. I may be a little dense and thick sometimes, maybe because I don't like to speculate, prefering to deal with facts. However, it is not true that I can always be as happy as I seem to be. Neither am I contented with a specific group of friends even though I treasure them. I've been asking myself. Why haven't i created the same kind of bond with people among this cetain group/s as compared to other people who spend almost the same amount of time with one or another as me, or did something special and significant together with me. Maybe I have this driving force. I drive people away. Or maybe I don't appear as friendly than I know i actually am. Or maybe I am a solitary creature.
I guess only me and a selected few knows what I am really like. Emotional. Moody at times. Small attempts to be really happy. Guess I shan't elaborate on my personality here, it's just those normal typical cancerian traits. No kidding.
Sometimes, I have thought of running and fleeing. I just feel this urge to run away and leave everything behind. Everything. I know this may sound weird, but i feel that I can connect to certain part of the song 'Go West' by the petshop boys (yes, I know we are thinking utopia now).
Come on, come on, come on, come on
(together) we will go our way
(together) we will leave someday
(together) your hand in my hands
(together) we will make our plans
(together) we will fly so high
(together) tell all our friends goodbye
(together) we will start life new
(together) this is what we'll do
(go west) life is peaceful there
(go west) in the open air
(go west) where the skies are blue
(go west) this is what we're gonna do
(go west, this is what we're gonna do, go west)
(together) we will love the beach
(together) we will learn and teach
(together) change our pace of life
(together) we will work and strive
(i love you) i know you love me
(i want you) how could i disagree?
(so that's why) i make no protest
(when you say) you will do the rest
(go west) life is peaceful there
(go west) in the open air
(go west) baby you and me
(go west) this is our destiny (aah)
(go west) sun in wintertime
(go west) we will do just fine
(go west) where the skies are blue
(go west, this is what we're gonna do)
There where the air is free
We'll be (we'll be) what we want to be (aah aah aah aah)
Now if we make a stand (aah)
We'll find (we'll find) our promised land (aah)
(i know that) there are many ways
(to live there) in the sun or shade
(together) we will find a place
(to settle) where there's so much space
(without rush) and the pace back east
(the hustling) rustling just to feed
(i know i'm) ready to leave too
(so that's what) we are gonna do
(what we're gonna do is
Go west) life is peaceful there
(go west) there in the open air
(go west) where the skies are blue
(go west) this is what we're gonna do
(life is peaceful there)
Go west (in the open air)
Go west (baby, you and me)
Go west (this is our destiny)
Come on, come on, come on, come on
(go west) sun in wintertime
(go west) we will feel just fine
(go west) where the skies are blue
(go west) this is what we're gonna do
Just ignore the words in italics and change all the 'We' to 'I'. This is exactly how I feel.
Thus, I am dubbing my life an empty shell. I am not satisfied from it. Far from it actually. I am not all that happy as I seem. Maybe I am just living up to my cancerian personality. Ironically, cancer is represented by a crab. Hard and cold on the outside, and alive in the inside. Is it possible for me to discard that shell? I don't know.
This evaluation of my life is rejuvenating in a sense.
This is how I myself see my life, an empty shell, nothing of importance.
you'll nv walk alone...
Elaine + Snowy
Mood: pensive
Music: Glory of Love
3:43 PM
***********
WY + Snowy + Poka Neembong Eng + Napoleon
im remaining 19 for life!
Liverpool FC
Singapore
NUS FASS
22nd June
You'll nv walk alone
Totally in love wid`
myself
globe trekking
cocoa dusted almond
white chocolate ice blended
shopping
suppers
Romance novels and chic lit
lychee martinis
zouk
goon
get outta my face if u're..
ugly
act cute
TCMI (totally cannot make it)
after my man
GIMME GIMME GIMME!!
Liverpool jersey
Crumpler bag
Spa treatment
MORE CLOTHES DANG IT!
My bitches and faggies
Goon
Wensu
Winnie
Phyllis
Maril
Gwen
Liane
Beth
Julie
Pauline
Amanda
Joel
Dee
Castor
Javin
Chad
Kwan Shen
Wei Xin
Celest
Lin Feng
Irene
Ruben
Other things to check out
LFC Webbie
Topshop Singapore
Franz Ferdinand
Birkenstock
Beau Monde
Vainpot
XpressFlower
My friends
Love Meridian Day
England Field Trip
Vacation Down South
Credits
hmm..
juz remembered this email cher send to ev...
Wad social life?! i seem to have lost them..
yeap...
Am back after about a thousand years of inactivene...
heya people! I'm happy happy happy today! Though i...
ah...
juz got a couple of my papers back. the ...
I feel that something's missing. And its not that ...
Sigh~ the complexity of the human mind, the uncomp...
ah ha
i got bored.. so right after the poem, i ...
For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For ...
So boring can!! Had A level chinese listening comp...
Archive
12/01/2003 - 01/01/2004
01/01/2004 - 02/01/2004
02/01/2004 - 03/01/2004
03/01/2004 - 04/01/2004
04/01/2004 - 05/01/2004
05/01/2004 - 06/01/2004
06/01/2004 - 07/01/2004
07/01/2004 - 08/01/2004
08/01/2004 - 09/01/2004
09/01/2004 - 10/01/2004
10/01/2004 - 11/01/2004
11/01/2004 - 12/01/2004
12/01/2004 - 01/01/2005
01/01/2005 - 02/01/2005
02/01/2005 - 03/01/2005
03/01/2005 - 04/01/2005
04/01/2005 - 05/01/2005
05/01/2005 - 06/01/2005
06/01/2005 - 07/01/2005
07/01/2005 - 08/01/2005
08/01/2005 - 09/01/2005
09/01/2005 - 10/01/2005
10/01/2005 - 11/01/2005
11/01/2005 - 12/01/2005
12/01/2005 - 01/01/2006
01/01/2006 - 02/01/2006
02/01/2006 - 03/01/2006
03/01/2006 - 04/01/2006
04/01/2006 - 05/01/2006
05/01/2006 - 06/01/2006
06/01/2006 - 07/01/2006
08/01/2006 - 09/01/2006
09/01/2006 - 10/01/2006
10/01/2006 - 11/01/2006
11/01/2006 - 12/01/2006
12/01/2006 - 01/01/2007
08/01/2007 - 09/01/2007
my kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder,
all my riches for her smiles when I slept so soft against her...
all my blood for the sweetness of her laughter,
she is the tear that hangs inside my soul forever.
-Jeff Buckley