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Tuesday, July 27, 2004

:: ::

Heya~ i borrowed this really nice book from my school library titled "True Love" by Robert Fulghum. Its a compilation of love stories, sorta like chicken soup for the soul but its of the more classy kind i guess. It's got this really sweet story which I shall share with you guys. Here goes..

"Here is the entire text of a love letter intercepted by a second-grade schoolteacher, passed on to a parent who passed it on to me:
Dear Billy, if you don't say you love me and walk to the bus top with me I will kill myself and beet you up. I love you and wan to marry you soon. Susy
The little girl was eight at the time. The parent showed me the letter when she was twenty-four. At a rehearsal dinner. The day before Sussy married Billy. During the service, I shared the letter with the guests and, in her vows, had Susy repeat after me: "I, Susy, promise you, Billy, never to kill myself or beat you up."
If the marriage lasts as long as her love, and her love is as large as the laughter in the ceremony, the odds are good for happy ever after."
- a minister, Bellevue, WA, as told to R.F

Awwww I find this story really sweet. I mean, they were together for what, 16 years? Gosh~ I could never do that. Oh, then there's this perspective thingy from the author, which I think its so totally true. Take a look:
"Pain.
There is a lot of pain in these true love stories.
Love Causes pain. Love cures pain. And love is a pain.
Where love is, pain is never far away. Love will fill your heart, break your heart, and heal the heart that's broken. And it is true that every love story has an unhappy ending, sooner or later- even if the love lasts a lifetime, somebody dies first, leaving somebody behind with the pain of grief.
Love is blind- and love opens the eyes.
Falling in love with someone of another race, another religion, or another class will be both painful and instructive, sooner or later. Falling in love with love instead of a person will pain you and teach you. Sooner or later. Love is an active verb- a river, not a pond.
Love can make you want to die- and want to live."
-Robert Fulghum

So so true. Yet we all still yearn for it. Love is marvelous, and it is something we all can't live without. Hmmm.. some food for thought. And here's a song for accompaniment.

Kiss the rain

Hello
Can you hear me?
Am I gettin' through to you?
Hello
Is it late there?
There's a laughter on the line
Are you sure you're there alone?
Cause I'm
Tryin' to explain
Somethin's wrong
Ya just don't sound the same
Why don't you
Why don't you
Go outside
Go outside
Kiss the rain
Whenever you need me
Kiss the rain
Whenever I'm gone, too long.
If your lips
Feel lonely and thirsty
Kiss the rain
And wait for the dawn.
Keep in mind
We're under the same sky
And the nights
As empty for me, as for you
If ya feel
You can't wait till morinin'
Kiss the rain
Kiss the rain
Kiss the rain
Hello
Do you miss me?
I hear you say you do
But not the way
I'm missin' you
What's new?
How's the weather?
Is it stormy where you are?

Cause you sound so close but it feels like you're so far
Oh would it mean anything
If you knew
What I'm left imagining
In my mind
In my mind
Would you go
Would you go
Kiss the rain
And you'd fall over me
Think of me
Think of me
Think of me
Only me
Kiss the rain

Love,
cher
xoxoxox

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8:07 PM
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Monday, July 26, 2004

:: ::

Ah ha..   
     well the agenda for today's meeting is... haha. alrite, i was just crapping. I just felt like posting a poem or 2.

I wandered lonely as a cloud- WIlliam Wordsworth (also known as daffodils)
 
I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils,
Beside the lake, beneath the trees
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the Milky Way,
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

The waves beside them danced,
 but theyOut-did the sparkling waves in glee: -
 A poet could not but be gay
In such a jocund company:
I gazed -and gazed -but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought.

For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills
And dances with the daffodils.

Ah ha, what a nice poem. While I saw this poem as Cheryl's homework, it immediately took me back through time. My times in England, during the lit trip. There the poem was, lying in a blueish handbook. We visited William Wordsworth's home, ryder mout. It was simply gorgeous. I still remember, rather fondly, that it was located when we were staying in Ambleside. Argh. Gorgeous. And at night, we had a tutorial in the rooms, with Miss K leading us, disecting this poem. Let's just say this, DO NOT take this poem at face value. It's got a double meaning. But, as I am not intedning to turn this blogging session into a comment and appreciation exam, I shan't go on further. :)

YNWA
elaine + snowy

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9:27 PM
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Sunday, July 25, 2004

:: ::

Ok,

      so u'll be asking, wad's up recently? Well, something happened last week, and I am kinda freaking out. Say that I am over reacting or what, but still!!!

      I was on my way to sentosa last week sat, so usually, I take a bus to seng kang, and from there e LRT, and proceed on to the NE line towards harbour front. So, it was pretty early and I guess many will be on their way to work. As I was walking towards the LRT lift to the 2nd floor, an immaculately dressed businessman(blazer and tie) too went in the lift with me. He looks about 40+ to early 50s.  So as I was wearing a a bikini underneath my tank top, and shorts, he looked at me and said "Going swimming?"
   
      "Erm, Nope, just to Sentosa, though  I am not sure if I'll swim or not. I'll see how." I replied. He nodded politely as the life reached the 2nd floor. So I den walked up to the third floor and wait for the LRT to arrive, at the same time, trying to call cheryl(and she didn't pick up). So he sat beside me at the bench and the conversation proceeds, BM= businessman.

BM: I think we just missed the train
ME: yah
BM: So you go there often?
ME: yah, every saturdae as long as I don't have school.
BM: Where are u schooling at?
ME: MJC, in Pasir Ris (In reply to his puzzled look).

     He den whipped out his name card. It reads that of a posh hotel 5 or 6 stars one. He works as a director for F & B.

BM: heard of this hotel?
ME: of cos, I went there.. but just to use the toilet. And my school might be organizing their prom there. Cool job! (after looking at his post)
BM: that's wad everyone says.
ME: yah. you get to eat all the good food.

     The train then arrived and he told me to "keep in contact" luckily, cheryl was in the LRT so I walked towards her.  Throughout the minute journey, I saw that he was looking at me(eek!).

      I recount the story to Cheryl. And in my head, I was thinking of his motives. I decided to keep in touch, but after a few days of hesitation. I emailed him, and here goes

 
     
Hi ***** (censored name),
This is Wei Ying, from the LRT on saturday, remember? Sorry that I took so long to "keep in touch" as you put it, but i've been busy with some of my school stuff. Anyway, I did go swimming that day in Sentosa :). Well, I do hope that you had a great time working, after all, bet you get to eat those delicious food!
Ya, keep in touch then..
you'll nv walk alone...
Wei Ying

He replied a few days later. And I think I am right about his motives.


Hi there ,
Will reply to you soon - What's your number so I can call and talk to you too !
Have a great day ! Will write more later today but pls let me know your number ?
***(initials censored)

     Argh. I so do not want a sugar daddy. Eeeewww. he was creeping me out. So, I was thinking of how to fop him off. I do NOT want him to have my no. Uber gross. So cheryl and I came up with 3 options.

1. tell him i lost my phone, and my parents absolutely refuse to get me a new one (my idea)
2. tell him I am not in a habit to give him my no. (cher's idea)
3. tell him i am a lesbian and not interested in men. And the girl he saw in the LRT which I was with (cheryl) is my lesbian partner, which we are going out together, mutual liking, but unofficial stead. hahahaha.. (my idea)
 

    In e end, I replied

     Hi
       Sorry, but I am not used to giving people I hardly know my number. Besides, my phone went missing in class. I reckon someone from school took it.  So now, my parents refused to get me a new phone due to my carelessness as they put it. Why don't we keep in contact through the email instead?

you'll nv walk alone
wy

     Hmmm.. I hope he takes e hint and dun pester me for my hse no. argh! yuck yuck!! I dun want a sugur daddy. No pur-lease

 
YNWA
elaine + snowy

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9:00 PM
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:: ::

Oh man, got a few nice song's lyrics to post. man, i am in love wit6h these songs..

Accidentally in love- counting crows

So she said what's the problem baby
What's the problem I don't know
Well maybe I'm in love (love)
Think about it every time
I think about it
Can't stop thinking 'bout it

How much longer will it take to cure this
Just to cure it cause I can't ignore it if it's love (love)
Makes me wanna turn around and face me but I don't know nothing 'bout love

Come on, come on
Turn a little faster
Come on, come on
The world will follow after
Come on, come on
Cause everybody's after love

So I said I'm a snowball running
Running down into the spring that's coming all this love
Melting under blue skies
Belting out sunlight
Shimmering love

Well baby I surrender
To the strawberry ice cream
Never ever end of all this love
Well I didn't mean to do it
But there's no escaping your love

These lines of lightning
Mean we're never alone,
Never alone, no, no

Come on, Come on
Move a little closer
Come on, Come on
I want to hear you whisper
Come on, Come on
Settle down inside my love

Come on, come on
Jump a little higher
Come on, come on
If you feel a little lighter
Come on, come on
We were once
Upon a time in love

We're accidentally in love
Accidentally in love
Accidentally in love
Accidentally in love
Accidentally in love
Accidentally in love
Accidentally in love
Accidentally in love

Accidentally
I'm In Love, I'm in Love,
I'm in Love, I'm in Love,
I'm in Love, I'm in Love,

Accidentally
I'm In Love, I'm in Love,
I'm in Love, I'm in Love,
I'm in Love, I'm in Love,
Accidentally

Come on, come on
Spin a little tighter
Come on, come on
And the world's a little brighter
Come on, come on
Just get yourself inside her

Love... I'm in love

 
Pieces of me- Ashlee Simpson
 

On a Monday I am waiting
Tuesday I am fading
And by Wednesday I can’t sleep
Then the phone rings I hear you
And the darkness is a clear view
Cause you’ve come to rescue me

Fall, with you I fall so fast
I can hardly catch my breath
I hope it lasts

Ohhhh
It seems like I can finally
Rest my head on something real
I like the way that feels
Ohhhh
It’s as if you know me better
Than I ever knew myself
I love how you can tell
All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me
All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me

I am moody and messy
I get restless and it’s senseless
How you never seem to care
When I’m angry you listen
Make me happy it’s a mission
And you won’t stop till I’m there

Fall, sometimes I fall so fast
When I hit that bottom crash
You’re all I have

Ohhhh
It seems like I can finally
Rest my head on something real
I like the way that feels
Ohhhh
It’s as if you know me better
Than I ever knew myself
I love how you can tell
All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me

How do you know?
Everything I’m about to say
Am I that obvious?
And if it’s written on my face
I hope it never goes away
Yea

On a Monday I am waiting
By Tuesday I am fading
Into your arms
So I can breathe

Ohhhh
It seems like I can finally
Rest my head on something real
I like the way that feels
Ohhhh
It’s as if you know me better
Than I ever knew myself
I love how you can tell
Ohhhh
I love how you can tell
Ohhhh
I love how you can tell
All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me
All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me

 
Hmmm.. pieces of me is dedicated to cheryl.. hahahahahahahh.. BIATCH!

you'll nv walk alone
elaine + snowy

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8:41 PM
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Thursday, July 22, 2004

:: ::

back from studying. or should i say attempting to study. anyways, when i was on the way home from studying, i saw the sex and the city billboard, which said "Love is always worth waiting for". How true. It is worth waiting for. You get fulfilled. (yay!) And as i say, "Good things come when you least expect it". Bottomline: Dont expect it. Ha. I'm cranky cause the weekend's approaching, and i can assure you i'll be crankier next week, especially on thursday and friday. Because i don't have to "absence makes the heart grow fonder" anymore. =) Yep. Gotta go sleep already. Cya

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10:45 PM
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:: ::

Day 280 and i'm still lovin' it. Am rotting away in school now, nursing an aching arm for playing an hour's woth of badminton. Man, it felt sooo good sweating. Ha. Oh, i digress. Yea. Anyways, as i was saying, day 280. Never thought it could last this long.(cliche) Is he the one?(cliche again) Hmmmm..this is different from what i imagined. I mean, the girlfriend part. He STILL has a girlfriend!! i think. And he says he loves me. /elaine gets apprehensive about this. I mean.. girlfrinend= love me? These two words just do NOT sound right in the same sentence. Ok but anyways, he's on a 9 day mission and i'm suffering from 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' already. Ang look, its ONLY day 2. Which means that there are stll 7 more days, which mean, i will sink into a worser case of 'absence makes the heart grow fonder'. Oh shite~ and to think chad says i can practically thrive on the "I Love You" and be oblivious to anything in the world. I wish.
But whatever it is, i will just continue to open my inbox and read his messages for some comfort. Ha. And im behaving as if he's already is mine, which is so not true. Sigh sigh. wonder what will come out of all this jinlejangle. Anyways i gotta go and photocopy my utopian presentation otherwise the headline on tomorrow's paper will read "College student found dead in Utopia".

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10:44 AM
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Wednesday, July 21, 2004

:: ::

Its the 279th day since i realised that i liked him. I never thought that it would last this long, and i'm glad it did, even though it's brought me innumerable ups and downs. But i guess when you're happy, you tend to forget all the bad things he's done to you and this is what happened to me yesterday.
For 6 days, we didn't contact each other. Remember last weekend? I was kinda disappointed that we didn't meet up and refused to contact him, demanding a reason for not meeting up. I just said that if he really wanted to meet up then he would've contacted me. Therefore, didn't contact him. THEN he texted me yesterday evening while i was dying of heatstroke outside the Victoria Theatre. He asked how i am, what am i doing, etc, etc. Then he said he wanted to meet next weekend,and then there was the 'i miss you part' and everything. Ok, fast forward fast forward, he sid he had to go sleep since he's got to go outfield this morning for the next 9 days.So yeah. i said goodnight and i'll miss him. 5 minutes passed. No reply, so i assumed that was the end. THEN my cell suddenly vibrated within my bag. Haaa.. At first i thought it was Shirley but hell no! It was him... And he said "I Love You" ARRGGGGH!! i totally died from heart palpitations beside chad while watching my school's drama performance. Woooot~ he finally, finally, finally said the three words that i SO have been waiting to hear for the past 10 months or so. Hah! Now i'm a damn happy person. And will be for the next 9 days till he's back. hopefully my happiness will be renewed. =) Okay, gotta go now. Be back later to tell you bout today and upload a couple of pics in here. Cya~

So in love,
cher
xoxoxox

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2:21 PM
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Tuesday, July 20, 2004

:: ::

Alas..
 
      Once again, I can't do my work! Sigh~ This is so frustrating. Why can't I do anywork? I absolutely feel like stoning. Is it because I just woke up? Maybe I am just still in that slpy state. So how long does it takes for me to get going? Argh!!! I totally can't get any work done at home. Distraction distraction distraction. So everytime, if I wanr a job properly done, I'll have to go to the nearest quitest Coffee Bean, whether it is at hougang or at the airport, or east coast. And I am saying. The trip is long, more than 1/2hr, at least. Damn it!
 
     I just must start moving my ass. Maybe I can start with PW. However, I suddenly have NO CLUE what I am suppose to do. CRAP! Or maybe I can work on my debates (scary), or my GP essay or compre, or some work la. Damn. OH, and looks to me, the easiest to do is Lit,lucky me. All I have to do is that part on imagery and I am off the hook, so to speak. Argh! I feel that I can crack!
 
You'll nv walk alone...
Elaine + Snowy
 
Mood: Stressed (big Time)
Music: Don Richment- bent

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9:11 PM
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:: ::

hey guys.. just remembered that i'd come across a really sweet article in the 'his say' section of a mag. I've read it and i think the guy is just sooooooo sweet! Oh yeah. now i recall that i've read this article to him over the phone. He didn't seem to think much about it. Or maybe he just didn't want to comment, but i guess at that point of time (approximately 7 months ago) it was a really BIG hint and he should've got it. Oh well, here goes....
 
My Country or My Girlfriend?
I've just become a national serviceman and will serve my country for the next two years of my life. To reward me for this, i am now in the "highly probable to lose your girlfriend" club. Urban legend has it that 70 percent of NS guys will lose their girlfriend within their period of service. Urban legend also tells of the white lady sitting on top of the Jacob's ladder in the Standard Obstacle Course, but thats another lady for another story. Right now, i'm worried about mine.
 
The first thing they tell you to look forward to in your Basic Military Training is Visiting Day, which occurs two weeks after you book into Pulau tekong. But this is also the day it all begins. From the solitary NS man waiting in vain for four hours at the Tekong Ferry terminal to the quiet sobbing in the toilet after the visit. The girls have started to leave.
 
What causes this? According to my recently jilted sergeant, "Any girl who stands by you through your BMT really loves you." Well, his girlfriend stood by his three months in Pulau Tekong and his five months in specialist training. But when he finally got posted to his unit, he received a nice long SMS, which said, "I can;t stand not being with you anymore, so I rather not be with you." And of course, "but i still care for you alot, as a friend."
 
Do girls really want us to be there 24/7? "No", says a female friend. "he doesn't have to be there all the time, as long as he makes time for me during the weekend." But are weekends long enough? If you are posted to a stay-in unit, the weekends ar your sanity keepers. They are times for you to relax, wear slippers and catch up on sleep- 48 hours is too short to rejuvenate oneself, let alone a relationship.
 
Age plays an important part too. Most girlfriends would be in their late teens or early twenties- finishing their studies or starting a new job. It is a time of new experiences and new faces. Hormones are raging and temptations are everywhere. From the cute colleague at her new job, to the hot hunk she met on a night out, guys are aplenty even as the boyfriend is stuck in camp. Fill in the rest of the blanks...
 
In the meantimes, i have compiled a list of ways to keep my girlfriend while in NS:
1) Tattoo my name across her forehead
2) Make her wear a chastity belt
3) Post her picture on a website called www.shehasbadbreath.com.sg
4) Turn her into a leabian (and pray that i have what it takes to turn her back)
5) Pay her friend to ward off all other interested parties.
6) Singn her up for an Afghanistan charity mission for two years
7) Paint a life-sized portrait of myself on her ceiling, so i can "watch" her every move.
8) Fall off the three tonner, break bothg my legs and lose sight in one eye so the army will deem me unfit for service and throw me back into the arms of my girlfriend.
 
Honestly, i don't think any of them will work. Yes, my girlfriend is meeting new people. Yes, I can't spend much time with her. But what i can do is put her on my speed dial and tell her that i love her and that I will keep the country safe, just for her. If she is worth keeping in the first place, I know that will be enough.
 
See? This is what i call sweet. And this is what i will never get.
 
Too serious too soon,
cher
xoxoxox
 

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12:02 PM
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Monday, July 19, 2004

:: ::

sigh~
 
   Hmmm.. well. Maybe I am currently having one of those damn burn out period. Possible? I mean, this will lead me to question, what did I do that gets me into these moods? Really weird, as I believe I haven't exactly been pulling my own weight. I feel that my work are slip short works, though there are probably some that aren't. And also, I question myself. Didn't i just suffered through a burn out period(incidently a few weeks before my mid years)? Weird.
 
    Funny thing is, I guess I took a liking towards Lit Utopian. The philosphy part. Though I haven't exactly read that much, just what Irving have been giving us. I got lazy to read Thomas More's utopia. I was trading my spare time with Harry Potter Goblet and Order. Guess once I finish my Order, I'll start cracking on More. I pretty much enjoyed Engel's and some passages on socialism. Haha. Makes me feel like an intellectual. Man, am I deluded or what? Maybe once I finish with my priority reading list (Harry Potter, Shopaholic, Romance Novels etc), I just might start with philosphy (I am however damn tempted to skip Derrida, He and his damn deconstruction which never fails to baffle me). This is probably gonna be kinda difficult, as people know that I just seem to have this never-ending supply of novels. Itend to re-read my books by the way. Some books, I've re-read them more than 10times. I am so not kiddig about it. And whenever I find myself bored with all my romance novels, I tend to buy new ones, which incidentally reminds me that there are a few new books out by my fabvourite authors which I don't have the money to purchase.
 
     Anyway, guess I'll stop here. I bet many of you are asking if my crazy mood swing is over. Honestly, I ain't sure. I am still burning my aroma-therapy, just to calm me down in case. I seem happy enough now. Wonder if it's depression. *ponders*
 
you'll nv walk alone
elaine + snowy
 
mood: indescribable
Music: smash- talk to me

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11:08 PM
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:: ::

Hi people. I so don't feel like doing anything today, or ever. What a boring day, this, of course is a follow up of what happened, or should i say what did not happen yesterday.
Wy & i were supposed to meet him and his friend yesterday evening but we didn't. I'd told him beforehand about this, but no confirmation was made. I didn't text or call him cause if he really wanted to meet up, he would've remembered to contact me. Or us. Oh well.. If he didn't book out then it would've been a different story altogether. Sighs. Its not like i can control his life. Anyway who am i to question him about anything? Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Someone remind me not to listen to him anymore.
 
"The trouble with love is, it can tear you up inside, make your heart believe the lies.." 
cher
xoxoxox

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6:39 PM
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Sunday, July 18, 2004

:: ::

Running
 
     Sigh.. my mood have been dropping. Is it dued to my stress from work? Hell! I don't know anymore. Argh! Maybe this is one of my mood swings. Really weird as I don't usually have them. This thus makes me remember those years as a troubled and angst youth. With those thoughts that the world is turning black. Where there was no such thing as true love, nor loyalty, and faithfulness. That's when I made the vow. What vow, u guess many of you know what it is. It's an opinion towards marriage I guess. But, I am not talking about that now.
 
      I've been brooding for a couple of hours. It's so sudden that it even took me by surprise. One moment I was talking like my usual self, the next, I transformed into this short-tempered monster. I am no mood what so ever, thus sorry cher for my crap advice. I was pretty vexed just now to give you proper advices regarding him. I am not saying that I am in a correct state to give you any advice now. Note that my mouth is clamp shut. Not today. Maybe I was in self denial todae until just now. Or maybe I just got distracted. Sigh~
 
     I'm being evacuated everywhere. From coffee bean, the airport one. And most recently, I am sort of evacated from my safe haven. It's haven no more. I guess I am no person of importance to be remembered by anyone. When me and Cher enters sentosa, we might as well not go. I feel that we are treated transparently. Not just by Jas, but by some regulars. The hi-bye situation stuns me yet again. Surprise of a century eh? So I lost my safe haven. I mean, the only place where I take comfort in is my bed. Where i snuggle up reading and sleeping. It is the only thing I have nothing to complain about I guess.
 
     Thoughts of running have been filling my silly head. Running and flying away. And soaring. Just soar towards the horizon and never look back. Leave and forget and never remember. Why should I remember anything when I am not remembered? Do I stand alone, that solitary creature of the night that I mentioned. Maybe. I am only trying to reach my utopia, but the harder I strive for it, the more impossible and far it seems to be. Maybe that peace within myself can never be achieved, I don't know. I am constantly on this run, searching for something. What thing, I have no clue. My peace maybe? Or stranded pieces of me? A soul mate? A life? Utopia?
 
      Will I ever stop running and fleeing? Can someone give me that reason to stay? I have been wanting to run even at that tender age of 12, first, leave behind Singapore for what seems to be utopian Australia. Now, I still want to leave Singapore and many behind, and what it seems to be the tranquil utopic life of England(not London). Just immerse myself in the culture.
 
       What a joke..
 
Running
Elaine + Snowy
 
Mood: brooding
music: some classical music(Greensleeves). Thanx cher, it did help, a little.. 

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11:32 PM
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Friday, July 16, 2004

:: ::

The Empty Shell

     Life. What a word. It's a word that is supposed to have all these great cool meanings. A thing to be treasure. In fact, it is more than a thing. Life should be great, should be cool, treasured, loved, meaningful, valuable and beautiful.

     This makes me question my life. Yes, i have all these cool pals, a best friend I love and treasure, an education which i will and must strive for. But, it's not enough. I am not talking about the riches of the world. It doesn't really matter to be to be rich or not, as money can't buy happiness. Neither can it buy me a fulfilling life. What is my life based on? What have i been doing with it. I don't know. I should know shouldn't I? After all, it's my life. Who should know better than myself.

     So far, I have not achieved anything that I find I should be proud of. No, I am talig about this noble prize invention that I should have done. I am talking about basic things teenagers should achieve. I definitely don't have my results. I know I probably haven't been putting enough effort for it. So, this is the result I get. Instead of studying, I've been stoning and going out. I've been living my Life on step at a time, with this "don't care" attitude. I don't have a social life. JC is actually somewhere that teenagers tend to have a social life. I mean, yah I got a clique I hang out with, my faithful pal Liz and Sam, and of course I treasure them. And that's all. It seems my good/kinda close friends just evolve around 2 people. Sure enough i have other friends. My classmates, and OG mates, and secondary school mates and other mates in JC. However, they aren't my close mates. It's the hi-bye situation I find myself in. It's actually a problem that I know about, niggering in my heart, which i don't take into consideration due to the "don't care" attitude. What I guess i am looking for are candidates who are able to have a heart to heart talk with me. More friends who are able to connect to my soul and vice versa. I guess, in school I am viewed as a clown. I seriously don't mind making a fool out of myself to make people smile and laugh.

     However, this alway cheerful and bubbly nature is a facade. There is more to me than 'that smiling girl.' I know I am not taken seriously, dued to my laid back character. I guess I've been building up the image of this smiling, bear-loving, schizophrenic, who has nothing much to say in class, slacking at one corner, hanging around contently among this clique. True that I have nothing much to say in class. I admit i am not well-read. I sure don't know about  philosphy/philosophers, current affairs(politics), mythology, handphones, computer, and even 'what's happening around'. True that i am a slacker and need constant motivation. True that I love my bear and may seem psychotic. I may be a little dense and thick sometimes, maybe because I don't like to speculate, prefering to deal with facts. However, it is not true that I can always be as happy as I seem to be. Neither am I contented with a specific group of friends even though I treasure them. I've been asking myself. Why haven't i created the same kind of bond with people among this cetain group/s as compared to other people who spend almost the same amount of time with one or another as me, or did something special and significant together with me. Maybe I have this driving force. I drive people away. Or maybe I don't appear as friendly than I know i actually am. Or maybe I am a solitary creature.
 
     I guess only me and a selected few knows what I am really like. Emotional. Moody at times. Small attempts to be really happy. Guess I shan't elaborate on my personality here, it's just those normal typical cancerian traits. No kidding.

     Sometimes, I have thought of running and fleeing. I just feel this urge to run away and leave everything behind. Everything. I know this may sound weird, but i feel that I can connect to certain part of the song 'Go West' by the petshop boys (yes, I know we are thinking utopia now).
Come on, come on, come on, come on
(together) we will go our way
(together) we will leave someday
(together) your hand in my hands
(together) we will make our plans

(together) we will fly so high
(together) tell all our friends goodbye
(together) we will start life new
(together) this is what we'll do

(go west) life is peaceful there
(go west) in the open air
(go west) where the skies are blue
(go west) this is what we're gonna do

(go west, this is what we're gonna do, go west)

(together) we will love the beach
(together) we will learn and teach
(together) change our pace of life
(together) we will work and strive
 
(i love you) i know you love me
(i want you) how could i disagree?
(so that's why) i make no protest
(when you say) you will do the rest

(go west) life is peaceful there
(go west) in the open air
(go west) baby you and me
(go west) this is our destiny (aah)

(go west) sun in wintertime
(go west) we will do just fine
(go west) where the skies are blue
(go west, this is what we're gonna do)

There where the air is free
We'll be (we'll be) what we want to be (aah aah aah aah)
Now if we make a stand (aah)
We'll find (we'll find) our promised land (aah)
 
(i know that) there are many ways
(to live there) in the sun or shade
(together) we will find a place
(to settle) where there's so much space
 
(without rush) and the pace back east
(the hustling) rustling just to feed
(i know i'm) ready to leave too
(so that's what) we are gonna do
 
(what we're gonna do is
Go west) life is peaceful there
(go west) there in the open air
(go west) where the skies are blue
(go west) this is what we're gonna do

(life is peaceful there)
Go west (in the open air)
Go west (baby, you and me)
Go west (this is our destiny)

Come on, come on, come on, come on
(go west) sun in wintertime
(go west) we will feel just fine
(go west) where the skies are blue
(go west) this is what we're gonna do
 
     Just ignore the words in italics and change all the 'We' to 'I'. This is exactly how I feel.
 
      Thus, I am dubbing my life an empty shell. I am not satisfied from it. Far from it actually. I am not all that happy as I seem. Maybe I am just living up to my cancerian personality. Ironically, cancer is represented by a crab. Hard and cold on the outside, and alive in the inside. Is it possible for me to discard that shell? I don't know.
 
     This evaluation of my life is rejuvenating in a sense.
 
      This is how I myself see my life, an empty shell, nothing of importance.
 
you'll nv walk alone...
Elaine + Snowy 
 
Mood: pensive
Music: Glory of Love

***********
3:43 PM
***********

:: ::

hmm..
juz remembered this email cher send to everybody. it's really meaningful, and it's been stored in my files over the years.. really years. But it rocks.. and i think it's cool and helps. Juz read it, and belief it. :)

If you're afraid to love a person because of friendship, you have 2
choices, either tell what you feel and let the love take place of
forever or hide the feeling under a friendship full of pretensions.
Sometimes i've asked myself, what would make me happy? To think
that I have everything else, I get what I want... then I realized it was
YOU, too bad 'coz it's you I can't have...
* Love can never be so beautiful without friendship...one leads to another and the process is irreversible...the best of lovers is the greatest of friends!!!
* Love doesn't have to have a happy ending,'coz love doesn't have to end at all.
*A man realized he wanted his love back not wanting to be hurt again. The girl said "no" the man cried out to God, "if it was meant to be,why did I lose her?" God replied, "You didn't lose her...you let her go!"
* When you love someone, don't expect that person to love you back the same amount. One of you will be ahead, the other behind. It's either you catch up or the other waits.
* WHAT IF SOMENONE TELLS YOU THIS: "don't believe in Courtship. It's just a waste of time,if I love a person, I'll tell her right away, but for you I'll make an exception...just love me now, and I'll court you forever!"
* Never be afraid to fall in love. It may hurt a lot, it may give you aches and pains, but if you don't follow your heart, in the end you will cry even more for not giving love a chance.
* I'm sorry if you can't love me the way you loved the one before
me, so I'll let you go to find him/her and hope someday you'll see that the
one true love you're looking for was the one who set you free...
* Ain't it funny we're trying to catch the attention of the one we think we love, we hardly notice the one we're really looking for was just there. You don't notice them 'till they are in the arms of someone else...
* Love is like standing on wet cement, the longer you stay the
harder it is to leave...and you can never go without leaving your prints
behind...
* THINK OF THIS: have you really cared for someone more than you expect? Have you ever tried to love him/her inspite of all the pain? Will you keep on loving him/her as he/she whispers someone else's name? Will you???
* True love hears what is not spoken, and understands what is not explained, for love doesn't work in the mouth, nor the mind, but in the heart...
* When you love, you must not accept anything in return, for if you
do, you're not loving but investing. if you love, you must prepare to
accept pain, for if you expect happiness,your not loving but using...
* I like you because you're my friend, and because you are my friend I care, and because I care, I love you, I don't love you because you are my friend, i love you because i do!
* FOOD FOR THE THOUGHT: it's better to lose your pride with someone you love rather than lose that someone you love with your useless pride.
* I can't choose who I'm gonna love, but I also can't just love who chooses to love me...and you can't blame me in choosing to love you as much as i can't blame you for not learning to love me.
* "How can i say goodbye to someone i never had? Why do tears fall for someone who was never mine? Why is that I miss someone I was never with and
I ask why i love someone who's love was never mine?"
* It's hard for two people to love each other when they live in two different worlds...but when these two worlds collide and become one, that's what you call..............magic!
* Don't love a person like a flower, cause a flower dies in season. Love
them like a river cause a river flows forever...
* "Love may leave your heart like shattered glass, but keep in mind that there's someone who'll be willing to endure the pain of picking up the pieces so you could be whole again"
* The most cruel thing a guy could do to a girl is to let her fall in love when he doesn't intend to catch her fall!
Success is failure turned inside out;
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt;
And you can never tell how close you are
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit-
It's when things go wrong that you must not quit.
-Mrs Baros-


Thanx cher, for the great email. i've been keeping it and saving it. And still loving it. Juz though to share with everyone :)

you'll nv walk alone..
Elaine + Snowy
***********
12:06 AM
***********

Thursday, July 15, 2004

:: ::

Wad social life?! i seem to have lost them..

yeap. been so busy lately that i find myself constantly outta breath. Literally. seems to me that i am always on e run. Literally. Yes, i think u seem to been following nicely along my train of thoughts.. if not, u r SLOW. jk..
Volleyball prac increased to 3times a week. Oh god. Worst! 2 trainings and 1gym. it's sooo tiring man! imagine almost/about 3 hrs of volleyball. sweat like a pig, feel like a pig. And my PE, it's also three times a week. 2games(badminton and frisbee) and u will also sweat it out. and 1 conditional training(worst of the lot). all these physical activities will get rid of things that have benn going straight to my ass. U know wad i mean~
Man, my mid yr results are really wad i'd sae a wake up call. I soooo muz buck up. This will thus get rid of my already dwindling social life. I've got so much to improve on. Like Chi, Econs and GP. And a lil more effort is needed in HIst. Lit i am starting to do MORE books=MORE work. Stress. And let's not forget PW. That glorious shit(oxymoron and sarcasm).
i mean it when i sae my social life is gone. Mondae, i finish lessons at 5, after which i have gym. thus i reach home at about 7plus. Tues, i end at 3 but i bet i gotta do lotsa stuff(like hist). Wed, i have cca til about 6plus. Nuff said. thurs, i end at 5! and last but not least, fridae, in whcih i end at 1235, which is gna change to 1.25. and it's kinda dump. i end early and gotta remain in sch until 545 juz for volley training. Oh god. My life. if i happen to be lucky, they might juz lemme off the hook on saturdaes.
and not to mention, my bucking up programmes. sigh.. bye life..

you'll nv walk alone..
elaine + snowy

Mood: apprehensive
Song: the calling-our lives
***********
10:03 PM
***********

:: ::

Am back after about a thousand years of inactiveness. Heh. Been really really busy up to my ears these few days with all the PW horrifics and utopian diasaters.I think i'm going to hell for bluffin my PW minutes man. Sigh~
Okay lets see.. Went to FIFTEEN:MUSIC, thats my school's 15th aniversary production with Gerald and we went kinda mad, what with laughing at the fat conductor bouncing around.I tell you the chinese drums, symphonic band and gu zheng was damn good. The choir and guitar ensemble was kinda 'zao xia'/ out of tune. At least it was well worth my $12. Not to mention that G screamed 'encore' RIGHT into my ear that i had heart palpitations and nearly died of a burst ear drum. (not that one would die in this manner, but still!!) Then after that we went to get some drinks at 7-11 and G was being an auntie by exchanging the bottled drink when he'd dropped his. Haha. THEN, i can't believe i actually went to stephen's birthday barbeque okay. It was like 11 plus when i reached there and we ate, gossiped, drank, ate again and tried to shush our laughter. So when i got home it was already like 1 plus, and my mom didn't even say anything! Woohoo~~
Oh, then he messaged me. YAY! And he hinted something about loving me. =D I'd said soemthing about him slapping me in the face if i were to say something wrong, and then he said he wouldn't hit me. Then i was like "yea of course! you love me too much la.. =P" so he said 'yeah, how ya guessed that?" OH-MY-GOD i so totally died while eating ritz cheese can!!! Oh yea by the way, i got back my geog paper, and surprisingly i wasn't the lowest. Like about ten thousand other people got lower than me. *breathes a sigh of relief* I got 38% for the paper itself for geog, I got 41% for the chinese paper, for CA i got C5 (WOOHOOO!!), GP i got 37% for the paper and unknown for CA. They just refuse to spill the beans. Oh, and 16/30 for econs MCQ. Sucks. Oh well at least i passed my geog at ao level and chinese at a level. Thank GOD!! Okay, from now on i shall shall shall study my pants off. I want my promotion!
And then today was like damn slack la. So many people had post concert hang over and about one third of the school decided not to turn up; Shirley ponned all the lessons after lunch, stephen was enjoying his birthday and didn't come, Jin ponned during lunch too and whoalau... Left my class with a total of 10 people from the original 16. I should've ponned too. Seth and Inderjit ponned too, so no GP and utopian tutorial. Cool~ Anyways im off for a nap, cya people~

"Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today"
-James Dean, 1931-1955

Love,
cher
xoxoxox
***********
4:50 PM
***********

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

:: ::

heya people! I'm happy happy happy today! Though i've got a huge pile of homework that's amounting far faster than i can complete them, i'm happy! Hehehe. Cause he texted me today. Actually it started with me saying good morning. And then he replied saying stuff like 'im thinking of you' when i asked what he was doing. Awwwww so sweeeeeeeet!!!! =)
And i'm going to my schools musical production tomorrow evening with Gerald, cause he wanted me to accompany him watch Kevin Ong perform. And i don't know who he is. Never seen him around in school but anyways, the damn tix for tomorrow are totally sold out can. Full full full house. And the clerk told me that they MIGHT not have tix for next tuesday's drama pwerformance, which i so want to see. Sigh..
Just remembered that he told me he's allowed to go out of camp on selected evenings but have to book in like 3-4 hours later. Does that mean that he might be asking his girlfriend out then? Or am i thinking too much? Oh shite.. I'm being such a bitch. Afterall its his girlfriend and i'm just a nobody. Who am i to question? Oh gawd~~

Anyways here's a song for your guys:-

So she said what's the problem baby
What's the problem I don't know
Well maybe I'm in love
Think about it every time
I think about it
Can't stop thinking 'bout it

How much longer will it take to cure this
Just to cure it cause I can't ignore it if it's love
Makes me wanna turn around and face me but I don't know nothing 'bout love

Come on, come on
Turn a little faster
Come on, come on
The world will follow after
Come on, come on
Cause everybody's after love

So I said I'm a snowball running
Running down into the spring that's coming all this love
Melting under blue skies
Belting out sunlight
Shimmering love

Well baby I surrender
To the strawberry ice cream
Never ever end of all this love
Well I didn't mean to do it
But there's no escaping your love

These lines of lightning
Mean we're never alone,
Never alone, no, no

Come on, Come on
Move a little closer
Come on, Come on
I want to hear you whisper
Come on, Come on
Settle down inside my love

Come on, come on
Jump a little higher
Come on, come on
If you feel a little lighter
Come on, come on
We were once
Upon a time in love

We're accidentally in love
Accidentally in love

Accidentally
I'm In Love, I'm in Love,
I'm in Love, I'm in Love,
I'm in Love, I'm in Love,
Accidentally

Come on, come on
Spin a little tighter
Come on, come on
And the world's a little brighter
Come on, come on
Just get yourself inside her

Love ...I'm in love

yup~ L-O-V-E,
cher
xoxoxox
***********
6:31 PM
***********

Monday, July 12, 2004

:: ::

ah...
juz got a couple of my papers back. the results saddened me deeply. sigh sigh. yah. wad do u think? Good or bad? ha! i failed my chi and econs.. chi E8 and econs F. wad e hell can? y did i fet an F? not even an AO pass. it's not as if i DIDN'T study. the fact was that i did. i really did study for econs. but surprise of the century eh.. i failed econs. Grr... Econs is starting to get on my nerves! i mean, it's getting more mathematical. and, eeewww..
keep asking myself, wad went wrong? how can i do SOOOOOOOOOOO badly for econs. yeah, a thought that i might juz fail occured, a couple of times. But most of the time, i thought i could like get at least an E or D. like sae an AO pass. u know, 35marks and above. I mean, i got 32! crap shit. i really studied. I did my data response ernestly. i practically vomitted everything and arrange it nicely. but it juz dun seem enough. wad more do they want from me? sigh sigh~
As for chinese, double sigh. i big time failed my composition. My god, 1t time in my entire life, ok, at least sort of 1st time in a couple of years, i failed a chinese essay. i mean, i nkow i am not that great with it, but i usually pass. the compo is the one that pulls my grades up, at least by a grade too. How was i to know that this time, the essay crippled me. what went wrong??? seriously. i dunno. it sounded alrite. Not the best, but certainly not the worst. i mean, i know there were a couple of words that i wrote wrongly. but still.. so much points gone. Oh god, it's making my head ache.
And my god GP!! i mean, i pass yah, but, it's on e dot. litetally. or on e line. craps. juz lemme stab myself. i sooooo gotta watch out for my grammer. sigh sigh~

you'll nv fail alone
elaine + snowy
***********
8:44 PM
***********

Sunday, July 11, 2004

:: ::

I feel that something's missing. And its not that i haven't got my ritter sport white chocolate to eat. Further thinking tells me that its not something physical, but something mental, which, i largely suspect its him. Further further thinking confirms that i am,indeed, missing him. Great.
Its only been two days that he hasn't texted me. Hmmm... ONLY two days. ONLY. Means a great deal to me ya know. Haha.. shit. am supposed to treat him as a friend. A friend, a friend, a friend. A friend. A friend. Friend. Okay, okay, a friend. BUT ITS SO HARD!!!! Arrrrgh!!! I'm so pissed, so pissed, so pissed. Some people just know how to make empty promises. They never call when they say they will. Such liars.
And some people are so preoccupied with their own stuff that they don't even think for others around them. Neither do they care about others. Sigh. What's the damn world coming to?

"Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today"
cher
xoxoxox
***********
9:48 PM
***********

:: ::

Sigh~ the complexity of the human mind, the uncomprehensible human behaviour, the unpredictability of life.
Isn't it true? i took a look round myslef, and found that this is largely true- we don't know what the person next to us is thinking, what's he gonna do next and stuff like that. Sometimes, things may seem to be stable but after awhile, they'll soon start to shake and crumble. People quarrel, people fall in love, all these things just come naturally. Sigh sigh. Don't know why things are so unstable right now. Really teaches me how to count my blessings, though i am not exactly satisfied with the situation now, but at least i shouldn't ask for more. Hmmm. I guess we all take stability for granted. We assume that it'll always be ther, things will always be stable, but the simple fact is that we know things would always stay the same. There are bound to be ups and downs and oh well... Don't really know what im driving at. Guess im really not in a right state of mind right now. Arrrgh sucks.
I miss him can! Though im supposed to treat him as a friend but hey! cant i miss a friend? Hahahaha.. Hmmm well.. yea. I miss him. And i count my blessings for the stability of things in my life right now. Including my levi's jeans on reservation. Thank god.

"Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today"
love,
cher
xoxoxox
***********
12:22 AM
***********

Saturday, July 10, 2004

:: ::

ah ha
i got bored.. so right after the poem, i decided to post this. with no agenda what so ever, hmm.. maybe solely for entertainment purposes. gosh~ what a long yet short dae. haha.. long yet short as i was busy slping it all away. yah 4hr slp, and weird, i dreamt of someone in my JC which i've seen around, but dunno at all.. hahaha.. erm..??!!! yah precisely how i felt when i woke up.
Well, whole dae, i felt like puking.. argh..even now. i dun know wad it means la. but, i juz drank lotsa water, and b4 that i was too hungry, den it also felt like gastric. man~ food poisoning totally sucks. *wanna puke* *nauseated* argh!!!ok.. might help if i juz burp profusely.. still feel so GW!!!! Gao Wei Gao Wei.
anyway, this is such a beautiful song..

Glory Of Love- Peter Cetera (which North remade it)

Tonight it's very clear
Cause we're both lying here
There's so many things I wanna say
I will always love you
I would never leave you alone

Sometimes I'll just forget
Say things I might regret
It breaks my heart to see you crying
I don't wanna lose you
I could never make it alone

CHORUS
I am a man who will fight for your honor
I'll be the hero you're dreaming of
We'll live forever
Knowing together
That we did it all for the glory of love

You keep me standing tall
You help me through it all
I'm always strong when you're beside me
I have always needed you
I could never make it alone

I am the man who will fight for your honor
I'll be the hero
Your've been dreaming of
We'll live forever
Knowing together that we did it all
for the glory of love

It's like a knight in shining armor
From a long time ago
Just in time I will save the day
Take you to my castle far away

I am the man who will fight for your honor
I'll be the hero that your dreaming of
We're gonna live for ever
Knowing together
That we did it all for the glory of love

We'll live forever
Knowing together
That we did it all for the glory of love
We did it all for love

sooooo sweet~~~~ *sighs*

you'll nv walk alone...
elaine + snowy

***********
8:37 PM
***********

:: ::

For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run his fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge you'll never walk alone....
People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed and redeemed and redeemed....
Never throw out anybody.
Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.
As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands. One for helping yourself, the other for helping others.

Time-Tested Beauty Tips by Sam Levenson, is the one from which Audrey Hepburn read to her sons on Christmas Eve 1992.

It's such a beautiful poem.. sigh sigh.. been lookin for it for awhile. Marvel~

you'll nv walk alone...
elaine + snowy


***********
8:24 PM
***********

:: ::

So boring can!! Had A level chinese listening compre today, which is so totally easy, then went to m,eet gerald at sentosa. And it was fucking raining over there, but we were kinda convinced the rain would stop real so but hell no. It kept drizzling and drizzling and drizzling and drizzling. Bloody irritaing. Rain = wet sand = gloomy = no place to sit = see jas' black face = leave the place and go home and sleep.
I havent fucking tanned for 3 weeks and i'm almost colourless already! The sun last week was fine, had it not been for someone who went to get a hair treatment = cannot wash hair for 24 hours, i would've attained at least some colour. So that's to say im not in the best of moods today. Cause there's nobody to entertain me, no sun, no hot date, no nothin! Fuck it can. I'm not even in town! Hah~ which is like almost a miracle. I just feel like sleeping and not waking up forever la!

Fuckit,
cher
xoxoxox
***********
3:51 PM
***********

Friday, July 09, 2004

:: ::

Real tired, but my happiness still hasn't worn off from yesterday. Hahaha.. i'm practically glowing with happiness *snorts*, cause im really treating him like a friend. A friend, friend, friend, friend, friend, friend... Okay, a friend.... =) And he told me he's got feelings for.... Fill in the blanks. Up till now i still don't know who but chad's guessing that its me. Oh well. We shall see how.
Anyways, i'm lovin life now, though i'm piled with more and more assignments. Since i'm enjoying life that much, guess i should be able to do my work yea. Ha. And i think i just failed all my subjects. Inderjit said his utopian was "horrific, as with all the other classes", ms G didn't say anything, which i assume its horrible as well; goon said we didn't fare well; saadiah didnt say anything as well; seth said more than 50% failed Gp. Great. I so dont wanna see my results. But yeah. I'm still lovin life. =)

"Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today"

love,
cher,
xoxoxox
***********
8:00 PM
***********

:: ::

Sick Sick *rob shneider*
darn it. damn marche. 1st time see me curse marche eh? but i suspect i have a lil food poisoning cos of it's mushroom soup. i mean, how can me and liz get the same sickness, she had it yest. i had it todae. damn shit la. cos i ate oyst, rosti and soup. she ate rosti and soup and theo ate rost. theo dun have a prob, so it muz be e soup...
So now i am feverish, in pain, literally big headed. last temperature check 38d. Damn it. and i had freakin oral todae which i guess i screwed up. man, i'll be astonished if i have a pass. heck it la. had to do oral 1st. tsk tsk. den i went home took panadol and zzz... argh.. pain pain pain. worst thing is my paretns ain't at hm. i had to go to the doc alone. and my dad is oso not in sg.. i know cos mom corresponded with him. sigh~
let's hope listening pulls me up..

you'll nv feel like puking alone.
elaine + snowy
***********
7:41 PM
***********

Thursday, July 08, 2004

:: ::

I woke up feeling happy this morning. Never happier than i've felt in days. YAY!! woot~ my life is getting back to normal already, if you'd discount the damn homework that is piling up like nobody's business. The homework list is like:-
- Econs mcq, from unit 6.1 to 6.4 by TOMORROW
- Econs concept map on production & cost
- Utopian AT LEAST 4 page summary on the book
- Utopian AT LEAST 2-half page summary on winston
- Utopian 2-half page summary on god-knows-what-so-i-need-to-consult-my- book
- PW minutes!!
- Chinese summary thingy. 4 pages too
Im bluffin the minutes so much that i think i'll go to hell for that. haha. Yeah. That's the homework i have for the weekend. Let me die. hahaha.. I'm in quite a chirpy mood.
Mainly because of him, well he finally, finally, FINALLY replied. And things are going good between us. I'm taking things slowly, i'm taking him as a friend right now, though i dont deny liking him. Then i'll see what happens. Take it as it comes along. Yay. I'm finally free of emotional bondage. hah. Like jason mraz says, "im free, oh finally finally finally i'm free" Yea. that's how i feel right now.
Anyways, guess i'll be off to sleep already. See ya people~

i'm lovin it,
cher
xoxoxox
***********
11:23 PM
***********

Wednesday, July 07, 2004

:: ::

"Dream as if you'll live forever,
live as if you'll die tomorrow"
- James Dean, 1931-1955

cher dean,
xoxoxox
***********
8:11 PM
***********

:: ::

tsk tsk..
cher cher.. muz u make me sound like ur mother. Ur frens say he is a jerk, u reckon he is a liar. I think he is a jerk, he toyed with my bestie's heart, so he earned the title jerk.. and soooo not-boyfren-material *mimicks kirsten dunst in bring it on* the prob is not that big at all. u juz got side tracked. i know u r stuck on him, but dun let ur emotions control u anymore girl. it sucks. control it. like how i am controlling mine. I sure hope it's not getting bigger and bigger. cos than it'll suck.. and hurt.
Think it this way, juz a fren to fren msg, not crush to crushed msg.. dun worry, i have no doubt bout ur recovery. It is difficult, as usual, so cheer up darl, and juz keep swimming *mimicks a fish*.
Remember that he's got a gf. and i know u won't wanna get in between them. keep telling urself that, and add a lil "all the best to them" along with the thought. who knows, maybe one dae,when he is, shall be sae, free, and u stand a chance, will check out the situation and not make a hasty decision.. dun worry k? More cool guys out thr..

you'll nv walk alone
elaine + clean snowy

Mood:Chirpy
Song: Don richmont-bent
***********
7:58 PM
***********

:: ::

hi girls.. *in rob schneider's voice* We may have bigger problems! Yea. Guess what? Guess i'm not that bcak on track anymore. Kinda off routed. Gone on a detour. Cause why? I told you in the last entry that i'm stuck on him, and nothing's ever gonna change that fact. Sure, by saturday i'll be 90 over percent alright but there's still the teensy weensy bit of my heart which has his name written all over, and i've got a sick feeling it's gonna get bigger and bigger. A little complicated huh? Ok, the simplified version: he texted me last night at around 3am, saying "Whish that you're sleeping tight now. Heh. Nitey" And mind you, "nitey" is my line! Wonder how come people love to steal my lines, but what the heck.
Oh, i digress. Anyway, as i was saying, he texted me and i replied "good morning" this morning. To tell the truth, i was hoping and wishing that the message would be from him and voila! It was from him indeed. So i was happy and totally shell shocked. Though i knew that there was a slim slim slim slim chance of it being him. So there you have it. I dont know where i am now- am i back where i was a couple of days (or entries) ago? or am i back where i was yesterday like in the previous entry? I really dont know, i guess its a mixture of both. I like him, i'm stuck on him, he's got a girlfriend, friends tell me he's a jerk, and i think he's quite a liar... Oh well...
HOWWWWW?! Obviously last night i didn't think of what would happen/what would i do if he were to text me. Now im lost. Great. Someone heeeeeelp!!!

love,
cher
xoxoxox
***********
10:38 AM
***********

Tuesday, July 06, 2004

:: ::

"I can't get out of bed today
Or get you off my mind
I just can't seem to find a way
To leave this love behind

I ain't trippin
I'm just missing
You know what I'm saying
You know what I need

You can't be hanging on a string
While you make me cry
I try to give you everything
But you just gave me lies

Every now and then
When I'm all alone
I'll be wishing you will call me on the telephone
Say you want me back
But you never do
I feel like such a fool
There's nothing I can do..
I'm such a fool
For you

I can't take it
What am I waiting for?
I'm still breaking
I miss you even more
And I can't fake it
The way I could be for
I hate you but I love you
I can't stop thinking of youIt's true
I'm stuck on you

Now love's a broken record that's
Been skipping in my head
I keep singing yesterday
Why we've got to play these games we play?"
-Stacie orrico

Brilliant song by a 17 year old. Describes perfectly how i am a fool for him. I htink i still am, at least one teensy weensy part of him. i'm not as sad as im supposed to be, and its good aint it? At least i'm boucing back fast. I think. Give me till saturday and i'll be ninety-nine percent over him, i promise.
Loads of people have been trying to convince me that he wasnt worth all this, and that he's a jerk. yea. I agree inwardly but i think if its over then its over. No point harping on this. he was never mine, could never be mind and will never mine; he was never mine to begin with so why should i suffer so much? Actually i dont see it as a big problem now, hmmmmm i have matured within this one week havent i? Well, the acceptance speech: i wanna thank my friends (ALL the ladies)for helping me get over him so quickly and for being there for me to listen to my whining.
And i wanna thank him for not being mine (he's not a good boyfriend!!),for making me stronger, for giving me a broader perspective in life, and for giving me the experience to tell if a guy's good or bad, for not being there when i needed him, for not replying to my texts. Oh, and to thank him for making me myself. Love you.

Loads of love,
cher
xoxoxox

***********
11:58 PM
***********

:: ::

hi people~ hmmm.. nothing sad to complain about anymore. or should i say i can't really think of anything negative to say. Think i've whined and complained and said all i wanted in the past few entries already.
Am in wy's house, just back from gym+ shower and stealing m&s chocolate eclairs from e fridge!! YUM!!! hahaha... yes yes.. i know i kinda just equalled the calories burnt at e gym.... but still... its irresistable and they're calling my name! hahaha.. guess its good to see my old self back again. It really sucked pining for him. =)
Alrighty, gotta go already. cya!

love,
cher
xoxoxox
***********
7:48 PM
***********

Monday, July 05, 2004

:: ::

back from watching spidey 2. Not bad, but i wonder why he would run out of webs. Perhaps it would happen when he's down. Hmmmmz...
But i've come to realise that everywhere you go, you'd see that love is all around. Love as in the I-love-you-baby kind of love. Sickening. So many people out there has love, or at least someone to say I Love You to. While i don't. Well at least they don't meet philandering cheats who say i like you/i miss you/i dreamt of you babe. While i have. At least they don't pine after such a philandering cheat even though the truth is right there in their faces. But i do. See?? L-O-V-E- as gerald put it, is a vulgar four letter word. *rob schneider's voice* It's everywhere!!
Even in spidey 2 it was soooooooooooo sweet when MJ said 'So you do love me" Everyone was like 'awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww', while i was like 'shit. i'm jealous. she's got someone to love her and someone to love. while i dont'. Great.
Anyways, i'm not a mistress anymore. Or at least i don't think i feel this way anymore. I just feel like it's so not fair to me. Its unfair that i got lied to. Its unfair that he lied to me. Its even more unfair that he lied to me when he has a girlfriend. A girlfriend who loves him like hell. And its also not fair when he lies to someone who likes him when he's got someone who loves him. And god knows if he's telling the truth to either of us. Not fair not fair not fair!! Fuck him. I say this as a person who just got cheated. But i love him loads as a friend. There's a clear line between the two, so there. I love and hate him. So there you have it.

"Some people live for the fortune
some people live for just for the fame
some people live for the power(yeah)
some people live just to play the game
some people think that the physical things define
what's within and i bet that before that life's adore are
full of the superficial

Some people want it all
but i don't want nothing all
if it ain't you baby ,if i ain't got you baby
some people want diamond rings
some just want everything
but everything means nothing if i ain't got you

some people search for a fountain
promises are forever yours
some people need the dozen roses
that's the only way you prove
you love them
hand me the world
on a silver platter
then what a what good it would be
no one to share
no one who truly cares for me"
-Alicia Keys

miserably yours,
me

***********
10:22 PM
***********

:: ::

Gosh
juz realised that, tmr is.... a school dae! Argh!! It means, the hols are officially over. den, u will ask, i tot sch started last wk? yes it did, but for mid yrs, so it didn't feel like a sch dae.. sigh sigh.. i dun want lessons to resume! i still wanna zzz~
This is the shortest entry ever man.. but.. haha.. tired la..

you'll nv slp alone
elaine + snowy
***********
10:14 PM
***********

:: ::

Hmmmm...
Life is great, life is beautiful, esp cos exams are over. muahaha.. and i went rollerblading yest. muz rollerblade more often. haha. EXERCISE. suppose to go gyming and swimming, but dumb cousin back out (again) for her precious slp. So i conclude, i need to ask more ppl to gym with me. Or.. make new frens who love sports. lol~
Juz realised that i am trapped in my comfort zone. and suddenly, this comfort zone ain't comforting. It's feeling weird asking me to go out more. hmm.. maybe to save money and get rid of those fats! I've been thinkin, i might have been a solitary ppl. so weird. i mean, ppl usually msg 24/7 or talk on e phone. I dun.. i mean, ya, talk on e phone.. maybe it's cos i got nth special to talk about these daes. Which means, i need to do smth special in my life. qn posed is 'what?' maybe a new sport. or maybe i shld juz spent time alone(eh.. alone? *gulps*). Guess i am a coward in that sense. i dun really like/dare to be alone (unless i am at hm). weird eh? feels like i need to lead independent-ness, fast.
So independence wld mean, go to the gym myself.. rite? yah.. but.. haiz~ so lonely, so gaowei. Maybe i shld juz work out at hm. those light ones. and a lil prob, my damn back is starting up on me again, damnit.
i wanna go out! den i realise that thr is nowhr to go. And i juz gotta stop being a loser and meet sick losers. Either that, or i shld give ppl a chance, be nice. howeva, being nice all the time is a trial. sigh sigh.
Argh!!! i wanna work out. i wanna do lotsa things, and i can't seem to get wad i want cos of that spineless streak in me! grr.. vexing! FAT LIAO!

you'll nv walk alone
elaine + snowy
***********
3:00 PM
***********

:: ::

Two conflicting feelings now:-

Without the girl (change the gender as appropriate)

And mama told me if I want her. I gotta take it slow
You just can't tell her, you gotta find other ways to let her know
But I don't understand this game
This is so new to me
I wanna tell her
I wanna take her in my arms

Give her time and maybe one-day she'll come around
And see the love I am offering
'Cause I don't wanna live without the girl
Heaven knows everyday I pray
That someday she will belong to me
'Cause I don't wanna live without the girl

She is my sunshine but her heart belongs to another man
She looks right through me, she only ever though of us as friends
But I'll keep holding back my heart
I will not let her see
I gonna bide my time
until the day she comes to me

Give her time and maybe one-day she'll come around
And see the love I'm offering
'Cause I don't wanna live without the girl
Heaven knows, everyday I pray
That someday she will belong to me
'Cause I don't wanna live without the girl

Give her time and maybe one-day she'll come around
And see the love I'm offering
'Cause I don't wanna live without the girl
Heaven knows, everyday I pray
That someday she will belong to me
'Cause I don't wanna live without the girl

"I don't wanna know
If your playin me, keep it on the low
Cause my heart can't take it anymore
And if your creepin, please don't let it show
Oh baby, I don't wanna know"
-Maria Winans-

miserably yours,
me

***********
12:10 PM
***********

Sunday, July 04, 2004

:: ::

WARNING: DEPRESSION, SADNESS & MISERY IN PROGRESS. Reading the contents below could cause you to be in a depressed mood. Skip the following four entries if you want to avoid being afflicted.

I feel so cheated. Lied to. Used. Stupid. Sad. Miserable. There are so many feelings that i'm feeling right now, and none of them are positive. Or will be positive until i finally get over him. Had a chat with K just now, and this is what i found out:-
me:how come dun have to book in?
K:tmr
K:haha
me:wow so good.. then **y**?
K:**y** in camp now
me:haha so sad.. so u guys met up yest huh..
K:nope
K:we went to church todae
K:and went for movie too
K:heee
me:ohh double date la...
K:hahaha
K:yeaaaa

See, told you that i've got a feeling that nothing would come out of this and that i think he's using me. Read: option C) in the previous entry. Now it's confirmed. I had a sick feeling in my gut about this, and i keep trying, keep lying to myself and telling myself that he's just busy and doesn't have time to contact me. But all i was doing was trying to cover up for him; lying to myself that all would be find. The truth had to smack me right in the face: he was merely using me. Suspect he was going through a bad patch with his girlfriend and i was in his way and thus presented myself a chance to get stabbed in the heart when his faith towards his girlfriend wavered. he never meant those things he said, not in the past, not now.
I feel so fucking stupid to have believed all those things he said. It worked on me like a charm; i was oblivious to the fact that he might be (or WAS) lying to me. I was oblivious of the open wounds he'd opened up in my heart when he came back into my life. And the only reason why he did that was simply to stab me right in the middle of my heart. I shattered into a hundred thousand pieces, and i think they could never be pieced back together ever again. Please, i'm not trying to gain sympathy. I feel that i deserve no sympathy because it was only wishful thinking on my part, stupidity on my part to actually believe him when he'd said those things. Only a fool would have believed him, and i was the fool. The one and only fool who was willing and ready, too ready to believe it. Fuck it. I'm so miserable nobody could understand me. Its this heart wrenching feeling that im suffering from now. I feel that i did no wrong to him. So why is he doing this to me?????
Oh, how i still wish now that it's just a mistake, but no, it's just one big fat lie, thats what it is. And i'm the biggest fool in the world, that's what i am. I try putting up a false front at home in front of my parents, and i try to be happy, not thinking of him (and all the other worries that are associated with his name) when i'm with my friends, but when i'm alone, this is the worst. I dont think anyone has ever seen me like this before. Nor would they want to see me like this. It's just such a black, devastating atmosphere. Someone take me away from the misery in this world...

"Thought that forever it would be
I realize you lie to me
I still hold on
Still dream of days when we were one

You played with my heart
You played with my mind
But i miss you finally
Right from the start
My love made me blind
But i miss you finally"

miserably yours,
me
***********
11:00 PM
***********

:: ::

Think I'd better leave right now, before I fall any deeper...

Sighs. Sorry guys, i think i made this seem like a very depressing blog with all my sighing from waaaaaaay back. It's something that i can't help, cause i think i'm a really dumb person. Ok let's start from where i left off in the last entry:

I feel like i'm in a situation of a mistress. Yea, i liken this whole thing like a 3-way relationship. See, he's like the husband, the girlfriend's the wife and i'm the mistress. The husband and wife are happily married and then along came a mistress, which, in this case, is me. OK then sparks kinda flew between the mistress and the husband, without the wife knowing anything. One day, the mistress asks the husband if he still has feelings for the wife, and he avoids the question altogether. In his heart, the husband is thinking that the mistress asked this question because she wants him to divorce the wife, but this, in fact, is not the case at all. The mistress merely wanted to know if he still loved the wife because if he didn't, then she would advise him not to lead the wife on anymore. If he did love the wife, then she would just back out of the relationship. So what i draw from here is, as in all relationships, the husband would never, over his bloody dead body divorce the wife for the mistress under any circumstances. I dont understand this. Why is it like this? Someone give me a rational explanation for this. I mean, besides the fact that the wife is rich, cause, in my case, the husband is the rich one. And don't tell me that its because the wife didnt want the divorce.
So in my case, i asked him if he still liked the girlfriend and he didn't reply me. At all. Isn't he avoiding this? Seriously, i'm not one who would go and break up a couple. If he likes me, then i think he should consider his options and then tell me. If he doesn't like me then TELL me and stop fucking lead me on!! I WILL back out if thats really the case.

But for now, i don't know. He's not replying me. And i can only think of three possibilities for his behaviour last week. a) he dont want to have anything personal to do with me anymore b) he's contemplating on who to choose c) he's trying to get thru a rough patch with his girlf so he did this to me, then now they're ok so he's not contacting me anymore.
I think it's c). What say you guys? Lets have a poll and see what you think.
I'm really sad about this, cause i feel that i've been cheated and used. For the second time. The first time he cheated me/led me on. Now hes using me. Great. I'm such a fool for him that i don't even learn my lessons. Chad and wy were both saying that if he cheats me then they'll do something really drastic (and gross) to him. Shan't say what. But hey women, thanks and huggies for attempting to cheer me up and getting my mind off him for some time. Love ya guys.
Right now i just feel so dull and gloody. And, quoting ronald weasely, "i felt like i'll never be happy again!" Sighs. So sad so sad so sad. Don't play with love people, cause someday love will play you back.

The Trouble With Love Is

Love can be a many splendid thing
Has another joy you bring
A dozen roses
Diamond rings
Dreams for sale
And fairy tales
It’ll make you hear a symphony
And you’ll just want the world to see
But like a drunk that makes you blind
It’ll fool you every time

The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie
Gets stronger then your pride
The trouble with love is
It doesn’t care how fast you fall
And you can’t refuse the call
See you’ve got no say at all

Now I was just a once a fool it’s true
I played the game by all the rules
But now my world’s a deeper blue
I’m sadder but I’m wiser too
I swore I’d never love again
I swore my heart would never mend
Said love wasn’t worth the pain
But then I hear it call my name

The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie
Gets stronger then your pride

The trouble with love is
It doesn’t care how fast you fall
And you can’t refuse the call
See you’ve got no say at all

Every time I turn around
I think I’ve got it all
My heart keeps callin
And I keep on fallin
Over and over again
This set story always ends the same
Me standin in the pouring rain
It seems no matter what I do
It tears my heart in two

The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie
Gets stronger then your pride
(The trouble with love is) See your heart its in your soul
(It doesn’t care how fast you fall) You wont remember control
(And you can’t refuse the call)
See you’ve got no say at all
The trouble with love is (Oooo….ya)
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie (the trouble with love..)

I wait all day, all night long for his message, but none ever comes my way. I guess i must be that unlucky to encounter such a person who has the ability to make me feel so damn sad and so damn miserable. The thing is, i dont even know if he actually realises what he's doing to me. But guess i'll just have to take each day at a time.

sealed with a really sad liverpool kiss,
-cher-


***********
12:05 AM
***********

Friday, July 02, 2004

:: ::

You played with my heart, you played with my mind but i miss you finally

Its me again. Sighs. Yea. Guess you should know what happened huh. Actually he didn't let me down, or anything. Its just that i texted him just now, asking if he would want to go with wy, her cousin and i to watch spidey 2 and he said he had to go to his grandma's place.
This triggered a whole lot of mixed feelings and confusion within me. Firstly, god knows if he's really telling the truth. Secondly, god knows if he's been playing me all along or what. And on the whole, i've just got this ill feeling that nothing would ever happen between us, even if the tarot cards say otherwise. Anyways, i told sher all about this and she told me that if i be with him, she;ll slap me. or something along that line. And well... i dont know. Guess i'm just a fool, and a fool for him and him only, for that matter. After so long i was supposed to have & thought to have given up but i guess subconsciously i still have feelings for him without realising it. And now that i have realised, and he's back in my life, i guess its just nothing doing for me. I should've known that this is all talk and no action. Ahhhh feck it. Maybe it was just me all along. I was the one who sent him that message.Maybe if i didn't then none of this would've happened at all. Arrgh i'm tormented. After so long it's still the same. I'm so totally stuck on him that i just can't forget and just can't let go. It's not easy, and it will never be easy. And i guess this is just the same as being a mistress. The man will have a mistress but will never leave the wife no matter what. So there you have it.. in the end it's just me.

sealed with a really sad kiss,
-cher-

current mood: sad
current song: Alicia keyes- if i ain't got you
***********
11:39 PM
***********

:: ::

arrrgh can't concentrate!


sheesh. is this the first time i'm writing in this week? i don't know. all i know is that i'm trying to concentrate om my darn econs mcq questions and i feel like sleeping! and what's not helping is the knowledge that i have a level chinese oral exam tomorrow afternoon. and im not good in chinese! *sobs*
oh well.... i just gotta get through this and i'm free from any chinese oral for the rest of my life *evil laugh*. sigh sigh sigh... something's bugging me and i can't pintpoint it exactly........ ahhhh heck it man. i'm gonna nap for awhile. nitez...

swalk,
cher



Mood: sleepy
Music: mandy moore- have a little faith in me
***********
9:08 PM
***********

:: ::

CZECHS WILL WIN THE WAR!! who dares to mess with them will be chao ta! will be chao ta!!!!


hi people. by the time you read this (probably at around 3pm), i'll be over and done with my stupid econs mcq and data response paper, and also my a level chinese oral. And that's also the time that my death is inevitable. I'm going to fail EVERY single subject that i'm taking, whether or not its an AO paper or A level paper. shite... And the best thing is im supposed to be either studying or practicing my calculations of Price elasticity of demand, or cross elasticity of demand or income elasticity of demand. yea... so that kinda gives you guys a hint of how im gonna do tomorrow eh?
oh well... guess i'd better be off to sleep, since i totally CANNOT concentrate on my econs. yea.. good night people.

P.S: May Czeka Republika win the match later.
P.S 2: Milan Baros will score!!! =)

swalk,
mrs baros casillas owen kewell cudicini parker cheyrou lahm carragher



Mood: distressed
Music: Christian Wunderlich- so in love
***********
3:06 PM
***********

The Attention Seeker

WY + Snowy + Poka Neembong Eng + Napoleon
im remaining 19 for life!
Liverpool FC
Singapore
NUS FASS
22nd June
You'll nv walk alone

Totally in love wid`

myself
globe trekking
cocoa dusted almond
white chocolate ice blended
shopping
suppers
Romance novels and chic lit
lychee martinis
zouk
goon

get outta my face if u're..

ugly
act cute
TCMI (totally cannot make it)
after my man

GIMME GIMME GIMME!!

Liverpool jersey
Crumpler bag
Spa treatment
MORE CLOTHES DANG IT!

My bitches and faggies

Goon
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Maril
Gwen
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Castor
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Other things to check out

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my kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder,

all my riches for her smiles when I slept so soft against her...

all my blood for the sweetness of her laughter,

she is the tear that hangs inside my soul forever.

-Jeff Buckley