Sealed with a Liverpool Kiss

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Wednesday, December 17, 2003

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my soul is bruised and broken

Just back from watching my weekly dose of soccer. Liverpool lost 1-2 to Southampton. It sucked big time and passing was all wrong. Sigh~ that aside, i aint a happy person today either. The entire evening sucked.
Went out with the same peeps as yesterday, supposedly-punked was there too. Had marche and HE was sitting opposite me. Just as yesterday, spoke less than 10 sentences to HIM today. HE didnt even bother to ask if i was alright or not, cause i was kinda quite the entire evening. HE didnt even bother looking at me, HE just went on talking and laughing with his friends, while elaine and i were trailing behind. Half the time i was sighing to her.
Im kinda sad today. Suddenly felt like crying when i was with them. Well basically i wanted to cry for myself, cause it seems that no matter how hard i try he doesn't give a damn. Not that he ignores me, but its just that a)he's not going to acknowledge the fact that he said he liked me b)he's making me play games with him, intentionally or not c) he doesn't want to say a thing about it cause he wants it to be just the way it is, which i DON'T LIKE d) he's gonna make me wait for him.
Of these 4 options, all are possible and i seriously dont want to play any more guessing games with him anymore. I'm sick and tired of guessing for the past month or so. Its all so tiring and i just feel so terrible inside cause i cant read him and i just dont know what move is he going to make next. Maybe he doesn't want to tell me cause he doesn't want to disappoint me but what he doesn't know is that the more he doesn't say a thing, the more tormented i feel. Its just very exhausting for me. I almost let him go once, and god knows why, he suddenly kinda bounced back into my life. For crap's sake!! I seriously dont need such a bad dose of HIS medicine. Many might think that i'm too pushy, too demanding and give up too easily (after a month of guessing games). I know i might be so, but this is cause he's goingfor army in 2 weeks' time and i wont be able to see him for god knows how long!!!!! I go out into town and see couples everywhere. I get all sick with envy and of all a sudden i feel so lonely and empty within me and nobody knows what's going on.
My heart and soul are bruised and broken. How i wish that i could just suddenly disappear and not come back again. He probably wouldnt even know that im gone. I didnt really want to go with them just now and i really shouldnt have gone. Didnt want to go cause i didnt want to see this guy whos so darn capable of making my mood go up and down like a yo-yo; didnt want to go cause i didnt want to be reminded of him- his every move, his every word will now be etched in my head for eternity. Shouldnt have gone cause i think it was a complete waste of my time though we managed to have a bit of a laugh when one of our wise-ass of a friend cracked up some lame joke; shouldnt have gone cause now i'm 100% sure that i still have the hots for HIM and whatever he said and did would just go on and on in my head. Just saw one of my friend's nickname on my msn, it went like this 'it hurts when someone you love doesnt know that you love him but it hurts even more when you know that you won't have someone to love you for today, tomorrow and forever'. Gosh~ now i really feel like weeping my ass off. Seriously. I aint an emotional creature by nature, but now that im in such a sorrowful mood, i cant help but feel sorry for myself and those in the same boat as me (though i think that i'm the only one on the boat). I mean, im definitely hurting now, cause i know that i won't have someone to love me for today, tomorrow and forever. I mean, i dont LOVE him but i definitely like him. Alot. And the thought of not being loved/liked by the special someone is sooooooooooooooooooooooo sad that i think the tears are gonna spill now. It may sound silly one day when i look back but now, it definitely aint silly cause its what im feeling now.
Im not heartbroken. Yet. Soon i'll be and i've got this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that the 'soon' will be really really near. I dont wanna be heartbroken but then again i guess its a phase that everone has to go through and that nobody wants to be heartbroken. This is the worse blow i've suffered in all the sixteen years in my life. Never have i liked a person so much that i'd have to wake up at odd hours in the morning to check for his messages, be online almost 24/7 just to have a chat with him. Yea i know that i said in the past entry that i dont feel the need to wake up at odd hours in the morning to check for his messages but now i still do.
Its been a long, long, long time since i slept with my mobile under my pillow. This time, im sure that this whole thing isnt as simple as in infatuation. Its definitely much much more than that, though it isnt love. I think im about to let those warm fat tears spill out soon. With that, i leave my bruised and broken soul here. *ps: he's just come online. Thank god for small wonders*

Sealed With A Liverpool Kiss,
C Casillas
Current Mood: sad
Current Music: Bon Jovi- Always

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12:23 PM
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Credits

my kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder,

all my riches for her smiles when I slept so soft against her...

all my blood for the sweetness of her laughter,

she is the tear that hangs inside my soul forever.

-Jeff Buckley